Out Here on my Own

I'm so frustrated.

It's been months since I moved out on my own. I have covered every bill of my own besides phone (long story) and my medical bills. I bought all of the clothes I wear, I buy all of the gas I use, I bought the furniture (aside from the bed, which was given to me).

The thing is that I've always loved being a student. And I'm good at it. It really bothered me when my dad just decided to not pay for my school anymore.

I'm not trying to be dramatic, but I don't understand why I've always been the red headed stepchild of my family. To be fair, all of my blood related siblings are treated DRAMATICALLY differently than my stepsiblings. All of the money comes from my dad's pocket, but somehow my sister and I wear clothes from the thrift store and drive dumpy hand-me-down vans while my stepsiblings exclusively wear brand name clothing and all drive new cars. There is a ridiculous difference in our lives.

My little brother used to have it the worst. He has behavioral issues, and his anger clashed with my stepmom's bipolar lack of empathy. She eventually succeeded in pushing him out of the house. He now lives with my incredibly unstable mother, who lives with Borderline Personality Disorder and is barely there. Knowing what I know now, my brother should've had a consistent behavior plan and a stable home. But my dad has never allowed his own children to be the priority so long as my stepmom was speaking to him.

After my brother left, it was all me. I had a feeling that would happen, knowing my stepmom would need someone to hate. She always had to comment on how emotional and sensitive I was (since I'm a scorpio - OBVIOUSLY) and she knew how to rub me the wrong way.

For one, both my mother and my stepmom are hoarders (my dad's great at picking them). My mom, however, was especially disgusting. While my stepmom piles up things she doesn't need, it's never dirty. She piles up storage bins and leaves them sitting. My mom's house was filthy. I remember once she had let cooked beans spill on the porch and she let them mold there without bothering to clean them up. Living in a house like that taught me hygiene better than most would expect. My mom used to make fun of me for cleaning my room, but I kept everything organized and clean. It was my sanctuary. So I don't like people touching my things.

Of course, this means my stepmom comes in my room whenever she feels like it, looks through my stuff, opens my mail, rearranges my drawers, you name it. I was constantly pissed off in her presence because she was always doing things like this. She also leaves these condescending notes all over the house reminding you to do obvious things. She is the queen of speaking to you like you're a moron despite the fact that she is no representation of great intelligence herself.

Anyway, one day she had done something with my laundry and I asked her about it. She claimed I gave her attitude and started giving me her typical condescending shake down. I decided (stupidly- I had enough experience with mental illness to know better) to ask her why she randomly ignores me for days at a time when I did nothing wrong. Her response is, and I quote (how could I forget?): "Because Colleen, your personality is like a cactus, and some days I just don't want to deal with it." Beautiful. I wish I could say this was new to me, but I've heard much more and much worse from my own mother. It BAFFLES me that my dad doesn't realize he married my mother again with a different, uglier hairstyle. Anyway, after that, I decided I was done making an effort with her. Both my stepmom and my father make absolutely no effort in their relationships. If one of them screws up, they will not apologize or even acknowledge that it happened. It's your job to fix things, your job to grovel. I swear, that entire household functions on a five year old's emotional level. So once I stopped making an effort, we stopped having a relationship. In fact, we stopped talking. That's how little my stepmom will give - we didn't even have CONVERSATION. And I never even planned on that.

Things were already crappy before then, but after that they were horrid. All of my stepsiblings follow my stepmom around like a mother hen, so if you're not "in" with her, you're not "in" with them. It's so stupid. Since my sister was in school by this time and my brother had already moved out, I was the only one of my father's children in the house. And since I wasn't "in", I didn't really have a family. Since my stepbrother was given his own car and my younger stepsister was too young to drive, I did have a beat up, 20-year-old car to use. Despite the fact that my stepbrother was just handed whatever money he needed, my dad had to sneak me money for what little gas I used (or anything else).

Anyways, enough bitching about my past. Complaining annoys the crap out of me, so I'm sure it's no better to read.

I went home for ten days for "Christmas". I spent six of them at the camp I worked at over summer, and three of them at my best friend's house. My dad and his "family" did absolutely nothing for Christmas and I really didn't feel welcome. Last Christmas, my dad went off into a side room and bitched about me to my grandma and I got 0 gifts. It never even gets close to the true meaning of Christmas, either. It's all materialistic and stupid. I also found out that my dad is helping pay for essentially everything my sister is doing (renting an apartment, going to grad school, etc). She does not have a job. I have never had less than two jobs since I moved up here. My dad told me he "couldn't afford" my school anymore and that I was "going to need to go into the military to afford school".

First of all, are you fucking kidding me? You don't TELL someone to go into the military. That's a huge decision, and despite my attendance of a senior military college, after my best friend died I changed my mind about wanting to be in the military anymore.

Second, he can't afford my undergrad degree, where over half of my tuition is paid for with scholarships alone, but he can afford my sister's GRADUATE SCHOOL? So I don't even get the FUCKING OPTION of finishing my first degree, which she has obviously already done, but she gets covered through grad school? The WORST PART is that she mentioned taking time off like I was FORCED TO because it was too expensive, and he TOLD HER NOT TO.

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY LIFE. IS MY DAD ACTUALLY FUNCTIONING WITH HALF OF A BRAIN OR IS HE JUST AN INCREDIBLE ASSHOLE? I've held all of these feelings in so that I don't hurt his, but why? He clearly doesn't care about mine. I can't even talk about this anymore because I'll fly off the handle. I need chocolate.