Thanksgiving

This is the second Thanksgiving in a row that I have spent away from home. Surprisingly enough, this year and last have been a lot less awkward than the many I have spent at home.

A lot of people are posting on their Facebooks about all of the things they're thankful for- obvious things; friends, family, and food... But all that's really bothered me this week to be thankful for is my boyfriend, Daniel. I'm actually writing this sitting right next to him, but he has no idea.

This is the second time I've dated Daniel. The first was secretive, short, and kind of immature. The second, however, caught us both completely off guard. I was actually in a relationship when it started (no I didn't cheat). I had spent two months struggling with a dark, binding secret that I just couldn't seem to tell anyone. Best friends, my ex boyfriend (not Daniel) who had been fervently attempting to reconnect with me, and definitely not family. Unfortunately, my boyfriend at the time was the source of the secret. Upon returning to school, I had essentially come to terms with the fact that it would only ever remain with me. But for whatever reason, despite our rough breakup, Daniel made the effort to come visit me the night I arrived at school.

It was the first time we had really spoken since the breakup, but Daniel and I connected again like no time had passed at all. I don't really know what happened that night- maybe it was the connection, maybe it was the way that Daniel had never let me down, or maybe it was the fact that he had been my friend, with or without a relationship. Somehow I managed to sputter the twisted words out of my mouth, choking and tearing up all the while. Regardless, I got it all out.

After that, I knew I had to end my relationship. And as time passed, I knew that I was falling for Daniel all over again. We took it slow, avoiding labels, the public eye, and societal standards. But eventually, we were together again, and nobody was really surprised.

But Daniel and I didn't really have a typical, honeymoon-esque start to our relationship. Just two months after we reconnected, my best friend suddenly died in her sleep. On top of that devastation, a recently-made "BFF" decided to show her horrible, snakelike personality off on the very same day, stopping by my room to let me know she "didn't care" and that I should "be more concerned about her feelings". Yeah, if you heard the story, you wouldn't even believe it. It happened over a year ago for me, And I still find myself trying to work my mind around the horrifically stupid and demonic existence and happenings of my former "BFF".

That night is one that will probably be engrained into my mind forever. Daniel had taken me out to dinner to spend time with me and make me feel better about the whole "BFF" thing (it started before I found out about my friend). He had just dropped me off at my dorm room and walked back to his own when my (other) best friend from home called me.

"I don't know how to tell you this, but Kaitlin died this morning in her sleep."

I wish I could narrate some words for you here, but I didn't have any. I let out something of a wail and managed to inform my roommate and dial Daniel's number in between the shaking sobs taking over my body. I was so hysterical Daniel couldn't even tell what I said- he thought I said my cat had died.

Eventually, he discovered what I was saying, and was back in my room in seconds. I didn't do much talking that night, mostly just hyperventilating and crying enough to provide several hour's worth of ammunition for a large-scale hurricane.

From that day on, Daniel has essentially never left my side. For every day I spent crying about Kaitlin. For every evening I spent ranting about the evils of my former "BFF". For every panic attack about another test I felt ill-prepared for. For every glare, eye roll, and sideways glance. Daniel has been there. For every nightmare I jump awake from, every race I nearly collapse from, and every illness I suffer from, Daniel is by my side. We are often sarcastic and playful with each other, but I took a moment yesterday to remind Daniel how I really feel about him. How we don't spend enough time realizing how lucky we really are to have each other- two people who are somehow simultaneously best friends, siblings, teammates, and significant others. While many others waste their time dating useless, unrelatable losers who end up giving them nothing but a large expanse of lost time, we have been given the gift of each other not once, but twice.

And all that has run through my mind for the past few days is how much I adore all of the little things about Daniel. How he kisses my forehead without precedent. How he swears he loves me no matter what the circumstance. How he'll turn off the TV and ask me if we can just talk for awhile. How we turn off the radio in the car just so we can discuss how we feel about anything and everything. How I sometimes feel like a thirteen year old girl again when we share an inside joke. How even when the rest of the world moved on, Daniel never complained about how hard it has been for me to live in a world without Kaitlin. How when he sees a problem he can change, he doesn't argue about doing it. How he works hard at everything he does- and doesn't falter or slack off when everyone around him does. He has a very blue collar attitude about him, and having been raised in a white collar home, I respect him a great deal for it. And though I may not tell him these things (you have to keep SOME things to yourself, right?), I can't say that if he ever found this and read it, that I'd be upset.

So this Thanksgiving, though I have had many blessings in my life, I'm thankful for Daniel. Because without him, I swear I'd be in the madhouse by now. And he's truly been a gift to me- the only structure left standing in the crazy storm that is my life. So thank You, for always giving me that seemingly small yet monumental gift that I can't forget even when complaining.

Nosy.

So, I'm annoyed. The "house meeting" was about looking at a "contract" that all of the renters had to sign.

In case you didn't know, crappy home life, Dad stopped paying for school, moved by school because it was the only real escape I had. A large part was due to the fact that my boyfriend is still attending school. We're pretty much attached at the hip and do everything together.

So, here's the thing. The "contract" was largely an attack on me. And it irritated me. At first I just felt defensive/attacked (which I didn't voice), but then I got irritated, because I realized: I'm frickin' tired of apologizing for who I am.

Obviously when I came up here, I didn't know anyone and I wasn't there. So it was kind of hard to find a place. Luckily, I knew a woman from my church who rented rooms out to college students. So, naturally, I went there. Unfortunately, I knew from day one it would be an issue. A prior tenant, who I had many classes with the past year, had had horrible experiences living there in the past. I knew I was going to be judged, but I felt I didn't really have any other options at the time and I didn't think it could be anywhere as bad as living at home. For the record, it isn't anywhere as bad as living at home. But a lot of the issues I run into at home, I'm now running into here. For one, my stepmom is incredibly passive aggressive and nosy, and she feels it's appropriate not only to go into my room, but to rearrange things and leave irritatingly condescending notes for me. No. They drive me INSANE. I'm also 21 years old- I don't need reminders to wipe my own butt (they actually get that bad.) So imagine my delight when I'm waking up to obvious post-it notes yet again... home sweet home. Or when I come back to my room and someone has obviously been in it.

What the frick am I paying rent for? I'm being treated as if I'm a child/unpaying tenant as opposed to someone who has been working two jobs to cover everything myself. I'm actually on my own, besides my boyfriend. And the fact that she borrows food from me that she never replaces, eats food she never asked about, and promises repayment I never receive for babysitting her daughter just boils over when I get attacked by a moronic contract.

I rarely even come out of my room... So what am I doing that's so goddamn wrong? I do my own laundry, I pay my own rent, I do my own dishes and others without being asked... I share whatever they might need without question...

So if I want to have my frickin' boyfriend spend the night on the anniversary of my best friend's death, or leave a small energy-saving bulb on because I can't see anything when I come back to my room, or have extra freaking biscuits in the fridge because I used a stupid coupon... Why do I have to feel like a goddamn criminal?

It seems as if no matter where you go, people are expecting you to apologize for who you are. And my answer is no. Because even when you do, people still aren't happy. And they never will be, regardless of how many hoops you jump through. So why deny yourself happiness just so other people can still be unhappy with you?

All I have to say is no.